moving george to higher ground

if my dance moves win me an award, i want it to be edible

so this is christmas
so this is wine
so this is a new dance move
so this is the best new dance move of 2010
so this is a good feeling
so this is the feeling that something good will happen or is happening
so this is leaving
so this is a j o k e
h a h a h a h a h a h


please,

i only want to laugh a little bit longer


the wine smells like glue
this blog is d u m b.


i wrote a song, it's called 'hey baby'

yeah,
yeah.

i almost forgot to tell you

the banana peel says, " make me over." i'm going to make it over into an avocado, because i like those more

i guess i am not hungover. usually if i stand on my head, i can expect a hangover.


wrote a book of holiday poemz. it's called Baby's First Hangover.


this egg sandwich is gross! i wish it were pomegranate juice.


i was going to do something here, but i can't find the paint application.

oh yay the computer had enough cookies to let the internet run!

UPDATE: will trade internet skillz and guitar tuning skillz for drawings! i would say maybe for an apple pie but i am only sometimes good at making apple pies and i want it to be an equal trade. and the oven knob has no numbers on it, so it's how hot?

imagine really, really, really big letter pillows. imagine they say, "boo ya"

imagine napping on that!

if you go running in december you will cough up snow!


listening to "everything means nothing to me"

how about "nothing means everything to me"


probably, 0-2 people read this!
hahahahhahahhahahahahahah


and there is a great chance that when i hit "publish post" the internet will fail and only i will know about this.

winter behavior

i just imagined people as penguins. we walked around with our arms at our sides, full body nudging other people.

i also imagined being at the bottom of human dog-pile. and then i wrote a letter to everyone, please lay on top of me.

Update

i moved my blog into my living room.

if i am a doll then you are a terrorist




when I have children I tell them I am a tree
and then I take them outside to the trees and i point
and I introduce the children to their parents
tall and with a life span tripling theirs
I just tricked them into believing they will never be alone
until there is a fire
they will never know


I woke up next to my husband
who is still sleeping
I built a small campfire on his forehead
so he doesn't get cold when he wakes up alone


I make my bed before I sleep in it
three days a week
because those are the odds of not waking up
and I don’t want to be embarrassed
about menial things when I am dead


I am a teacher of young children
and I take the young children on a field trip
to the forest
I take off their shoes and we all get down on all fours
running through the woods on our knees
playing wolves

this is not a blog it's a dribble of milk on a kitten's face

a cheetah gnawed its legs off so it had to move slowly.

i have pangs of guilt because i didn't do some things i said i would
for other people.

when i am a bird, i jump out of the tree and wait until i am an inch from the ground to open my wings and the other birds pretend not to watch but watch a little and they are either disappointed or relieved. i laugh a little to myself and then i fly to another state, a hurried migration.

ding dong

4,000 words. some of them are about the NFL and some of them are about being a big landbaby.

I saw you so proud that one time I was in the NFL and I tackled a whole bunch of people

the tears fell from your face forming the letters
GO YOU
i go back and forth from what I used to do
touchdowns and chest pounds
to huffin’ the big part of the sky
hoping to develop my feelings into things with legs

I will never see the tears on your face form letters for me again
and that is okay because now I can stop trying so hard

drawin all the presidents in chanel. what style?

update

when i am in charge of herding sheep all the sheep look back at me, frown at me and die.

i really want things to work out but i don't think they are working out.

Whitney Houston and I still want someone to dance with.


You never knew the clock was tired until you didn’t know what time it was

And I would like to think you never knew you loved me

Until you woke up alone

Which is just like that time the sun promised the moon

Never to rise again because last time it did everything set on fire

model relationship

I love all the men who love all the women


A+ on your text baby
for the pure animal magnetism
As a creative criminal
I fly solo on the range
filling my pockets with empty cracked kernels of wheat
When there are no more minutes
the clouds spell divorce
like the only things you have coming to you
are those you flung yourself fast at
flashy at two a.m
I’m so sorry this evening baby
I’m so soaked in mild regret
I tap the keys and fall asleep
Now we fetish an incomplete love letter to the west
where all the gold was everyone’s gold
and gold was an excuse and gold was sober
where the young grass gets rowdy on the shoulder of the highway
I love all the men who love all the women
and I know how to breathe underwater
when I am a person pretending to be a fish

UPDATE



i am almost finished writing my will. i think it will be a book.

now imagine this
mean people and nice people and mean people and nice people and dancing
and walking and throwing phones and deciding you have no choice but to pursue fame.

also if you want me to sing a song for you i will because i think i have a tiny musical career ahead of me.

slow dancing to peter frampton

my mom just told me, "i can see the sunset in your eyes, that's pretty amazing."

UPDATE

c'mon out y'all


http://anactualkansas.blogspot.com/2010/03/come-for-literature-reading-on-friday.html
(if you are in kansas city)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa ha ha

new drawings
new drawings
new drawings

mountain snuggie

a very large snuggie, perfect for any mountain. Pictured- "forest dreams" green, also available in leopard print.

Coming soon,
Seahorse Snuggie

i dropped my bagel in a bowl of dish water today but it was the last one, so i ate it anyways

1. when i am a professor i am a professor of the course "21st century human longing in all forms." if you want to sign up for said course i will email you the syllabus.
2. remember when the guy in zebra suit with the rat on his shoulder told me "you as cute as a lil debbie snack cake and i'm gunna eatchoo up." i do.
3. remember last night when Alma, a busty latina in a leopard print sequin camisole grabbed my hands and then immediately flung em back at me because my aura burned her. and how she tolerated the burn and held them a second time. i can't quite remember my entire aura reading because i didn't know it was being read at first and i was maybe on my fifth old style. here are some highlights in loose quotes, I has to like myself more. I has to Fuck THAT! Cause honey baby they, those people (points to all the people in the bar) are not your friends. I think she told me i don't have friends because i am an artist or something. and that my art is suffering because i am unhappy and that i have to move Greece. Oh, and just in case you couldn't tell by physical appearance, I am of Latin descent.
4. also i was hit in the back of the head with a red plastic gas container. it hurt.
5. does anyone have an extra computer? i need a computer. i will give it back in a few months.
6. hate the term "besties" as in best friend.
7. mistook a mild hangover for optimism today. felt nice.
9. inherited/borrowed metal lime green seventies fold-out table which will make for a perfect drawing table. get excited. some ill shit bout to happen on paper y'all. i don't know why i said that, sorry.
10. had a dream that little kids where singing Everything's at Stake by Simon Joyner. who wants to help me start a children's choir, so this can happen?

turtle snuggie

a new blog focused on the no

internet divorce
spinach and sriracha
green beans and sriracha
mouthing at the seahorse exhibit
reading
sleeping
reading
@ the whale, please swallow me whole
@ the shark, do whatever you want

when you were a baby and when you were in a small town and when you were raised by a family of sloths and when you left the house without enough layers on and when you ate processed cheese food and when you didn't call for seventh months and then you called and when you felt too old and when you didn't know how to feel and when you read a book on the toilet and then checked behind the shower curtain to make sure no one saw and when you were drunk and when you were more drunk and when your face looked disappointed and when you tried and when you ate a bag of green beans and when you didn't vote but told everyone you did and when you almost bought doritos and when you cared about everything and when you were a bear and when you were in company of bears and when you were promised death and when you pushed a bruise into a recognizable shape and when you washed your hair after not washing your hair for a long time and when you recognized sentiment and when you denied sentiment and when you are in the company of baby animals and when you roll your eyes until your head is throbbing and when you play dead in front your cat just to see how he would react and when you dig a hole in the side of mountain and when you go ice skating alone but then look around like you lost the person you came with and when you run in January icicles form in your lungs and when you are young and your mom tells you not to sleep with the blankets over your head in fear of you suffocating and when you sleep with the blankets over your head and wake up in the morning.

new idea

take me with you 2010

could be a project where i volunteer myself to move with you
say, you wanted to move to a new city but are hesitant or reluctant because you do not want to not know anyone
or say, we don't know each other so we would be two people in the same city in the same situation

i would stay for a minimum of six months
unless we throw glass bottles at each other
though, i don't really resort to violence

basically,
i would help you to eliminate some/most of excuses for not going the places you want to go
and
i like moving
and
i have no idea where to go

holiday poem

if you lick it you can has it
i'll sleep on the floor
i martyr you marry
jay rap
we carry
really light things and pretend they are heavy

so o.g
in my birth bed
i am as cute as a free kitten
ripe with saggy swagger
and i hate everything

now we people are people
who people around
with nameless weight
if it look good
Pass!

any of these

kansas city
peru
boston
portland
san fran
austin
new york
spain
beliz
maine

take me with you 2010

UPDATE

my stomach is growling even though i just ate an everything bagel with cream cheese

give it all to me if you think I deserve anything
because I haven’t won big but I am willing to win small
and splurge

when you are on your way
I empty everything out of the house
And when you are here
I ask you to help me put everything in the house
and when everything has a place
you open all the windows
and the door to outside
spray paint free on the front steps and leave

and then later
sitting on an empty floor
you are on your way
for nothing, really

a horse trotting on a sea of small helpless or everyone is ready to go home

in a minute
i wind down your hot
with my shit
fuck
my cloud nine
all scam core
all into you into everyone into
dirt
caus i sorry inside and out
and i out of sorry inside
and if i leave you alone will you still be mad at me

i was promoted but i still feel the same

i think i am lining up shows and by lining up i mean i am going to make a lot of work and wait.

1. AS GOOD AS I WANT TO BE
i think this is a PTA meeting on good things. like, a bunch of people discussing ways to be good. examples provided. plus a performance

2. A Dream Come True or When the World Went Up in Flames I was Petting My Kitten.
a show of drawings depicting cute animals ignoring the apocalypse

3. I Had The Time of My Life and I Will Have The Time of My Afterlife.
a Patrick Swayze Retrospective


okay please don't borrow any of these titles or anything. if you have a space or know of a space for any of these things to take place in- HOOK A GURL UP

or

to be cradled by a five hundred pound bunny

condensed sadness

i need one to seven hundred gallons of warm water

in other news

will someone please make me a website

celibacy

i haven't been writing

every now and then i feel incredible amounts of guilt for starving my hamster to death when i was ten.

well it feels impossible to embrace chicago
it feels right to embrace cold water and hot cheese popcorn.
i was going to embrace my cat and then he went to take care of some cat stuff
i embraced some nachos with my mouth and now my stomach is going to have deal with it
the toliet will embrace my poop
my ears have been embracing the mountain goats and jay z
my hand should embrace some pens and draw something

you can say no

would someone drive me to portland? i need my sweaters and books.

SHAQ VS. ROSS

i wasn't going to do this and then i saw someone in a soccer uniform and decided, i am going to do this

deductive reasoning can be a really complex process involving a trapper keeper and something else.


i will provide the automatic hand dryer
if you take the time to do what
is best for you and i
and everyone in the world
and i will provide the materials
if you bedazzle my burial ground
okay for the low down
anything with a reflective surface
will catch and release light
and flicker like a doe
en route
come and give me what you were going to give me before i upset you and you took it back
i really want it
i'm sorry i had a lapse of stupid idiot
but i'm feeling better and open
to gifts
i'm feeling selfish
for a second i thought we could be friends but it turns out i don't really want to think about anything except for cats
and that's an exaggeration because i don't think about cats
really ever.

i feel confused about participation.
i feel like i don't want to nudge a pigeon to get out of the way of traffic more than once. i also feel like i could never handle "giving up" especially if that means a pigeon is going to die. i just spent ten minutes thinking about what i would do if i had to be santa claus. what would i do with the presents, would i bring a tiny microphone and a notepad to their kitchen tables and lecture about craft? would i just do what i had to and cry when i got home?

i just sold my blog for fifty cents to the girl in the popples sweater

what if this valentines day i sent everyone in the united states a valentine. i think it would say something like "you don't need a valentine, you got me"
or "you don't need a valentine becuase you have legs"
or "you don't need a valentine because there is a tree in your front yard"

a bunch of emotional shit just went down and now my computer is crying

1. there will be an electrical fire
2. really close to my face and i just drank the only glass of water
3. so maybe i will die

i don't know what i said
because my words ran straight outta my mouth
a rap with a goal

when we are switching fields
i volunteer myself
for the position
of
a small human that walks in tiny circles
with a small parade of animals walking behind her

mike mills is a human

see

this will not do anything for you

did anyone else hear the jets overhead? would it be funny and unnecessary to wear a helmet when i leave my house today? is it unnecessary to cause so much ruckus in the morning? how many birds die during the air show? do birds have feelings of regret and vengeance? what if when you eight years old you had to decide the rest of your life based on three questions:
1. would you rather fly planes or ride horses?
2. do you like your mother or your father better?
3. are you going to kill that cow outside or should i?

the answers would be tallied and noted and then you would be shipped somewhere.

presidential hair

it's not hard to be happy
under ten pages
$1

can we having a drawing marathon, where we stay up all night and draw or something?

everything feels like it is going to shit
trader joes produce is kind of shitty
i want to either rewind or fast forward, but those are not options
if i had a lot of money i could probably buy a little land by the coast and build a house
if i had money left over i'd invite people to stay for residencies
if there was a residency we would make things all day and night and have a lot of fun too, probably
it kind of feels like i'm not supposed to have fun
i'm supposed to keep trying for it, and in return i stay on my toes
if i applied myself more, would i be a little famous
what's fame
i want a lot of cats, dogs, alpacas and produce
some friends
some paper
some new pens
some dinner.
would everything be better if i had a desk
with a good top for drawing
and drawers to keep my tools organized
and a chair for my cat to sleep on while i'm working
we both fit on the chair
because i like to sit forward when i draw
and he prefers to hang off the back
we make a good duo
probably the best half of the best duo that i will be part of
i think my interest in things is often misunderstood
for desperate or something else stupid
i just want to know whats up
and i want to talk about whats up
and i don't want to feel like an endangered species that people don't care about
like raccoons
i want to help people become happier than i am and then i want to not feel bad about not being as happy as they are
i want to sleep more than five hours a night
and i want to wake up without a headache
i want to publish my sketchbook of bill murray's eyes
and then i want to publish a book of poems and drawings
i think i want it to be called
something like FRIENDSHIP'S A RIGHT
or FRIENDSHIP'S A PRIVILEGE

what will i do when my cat dies?

on another piece of paper there is the most people on the smallest surface all holding each others faces. their mouths are open because their vision is blurred and they think the other people are pieces of food that have gathered on their lap. i guess this means that each person thinks they are the only person on the page. too bad my hand went numb halfway through. now there is a large blank spot for someone to rent out to someone who will do something more productive and life changing with said space. i think i went retarded.

when i am not eating burnt toast i am being unproductive and when i am unproductive i feel like a piece of shit until i sit on my porch with my cat.

i should draw a picture of tiny people with belly pockets. everyone has something different in their pockets. some people have smaller people climbing out and some people have collections of thumbs. one person has an axe. another person has a fern and the person standing directly across from him has a small ground rodent, so they will never be friends. in the upper right hand corner of the drawing is a sun with a pocket. the pocket holds a letter. i think it is a letter of rejection. too bad the people with pockets are all content. all holding things that they think will get them through this half-assed world i just drew for them. some of the people show examples of engagement, or promises. they usually all show sincerity because their facial expressions read, "it's okay if your leg is lumpy, i have three fingers." and all these people carry things and the biggest question of their life is how their things could work with other peoples things. and at the end of the day the people feel hopeless because the only thing they are looking for in life is to utilize the one thing they have. shit, some people just have piles of corn in their pockets. on the upside someone has a small bird in their pocket. i guess the bird could eat the corn and grow into a bigger bird with its own pocket, where it keeps its appetite. one morning the bird wakes up hungry and eats the giant piece of corn in the upper right hand corner of the paper. in the fire everyone is happy because someone spilled the beans about the rejection letter and without that hanging over their heads they can get on with the things in their pockets.

bruce willis keeps reappearing in my thoughts today

when we get married we cut off our thumbs and put them on a chain. we wear our lovers thumbs around our neck forever. when we get drunk we hit each other with our thumb necklaces. thumb warz

when we get married we stop talking. if you need to tell me something you write it on a post it. and i when i need to tell you something i tag it on the garage across the street from our apartment.

how we sometimes die

it's really not an opportune time to get shot

oh, i live in the middle of a gang war. i guess i should get a full body bullet proof vest. i guess i should cover it in glitter. maybe i should just try to 'cheer up' the hood. are flowers appropriate? ( flowers strategically planted to spell out niceties )
IN DAFFODILS - NICE GRILL
IN LILLIES - AND THIS IS NOT A FUNERAL!
IN MARIGOLDS - WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS
IN LILACS - I'D LOVE YOU

p.s

woke up sandwiched between a cat and a dog.

three songs i loved when i was seventeen that i still love now.

1. Dinosaur Jr./ Not You Again
2. Tom Waits/ Closing Time
3. Belle and Sebastian/ Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying

there are more, i know.

i haven't felt like blogging. sometimes i think about it when i am not in front of a computer and then i see a computer and i lose the urge.

i will tell you a few things.

i think that maybe the only way i can relate or connect with people is through art or collaborations. i think this means that i will probably have a fulfilling 'career' and floundering relationships.

i think that maybe when i cut my bangs yesterday a piece of hair cut my eye and now my vision is blurry.

i think i have carpel tunnel syndrome from folding t-shirt, how stupid is that?

i think that i exaggerate little pointless things because i am habitually modest. what does that mean?

i think i will save my money and when things get better i will travel.

i miss the midwest's storms. i kind of forgot about them for awhile.

i had my first reading. i think i could have done better. i would like to try it again.

i think i am still in the waiting room.

i think the Tiny Masters of Today are the new Hanson. and i like them. i wish i would have embraced my awkward pre-teen, teen, young adult years more.

i think that my cat lays on his back because he is trying to remind me how cute he is because he thinks my love for him is fading, which it is not. i appreciate his effort though.

i think that i will turn my performance into a book, and instead of ever performing it i will invite the readers to do so.

i wish i could remember the title of the Abramovic piece where she stares into the eyes of people for fifteen minutes. maybe i am thinking of the wrong artist. or the wrong amount of time.

on raccoons

it is required to keep two to prevent loneliness

ideas in cute code

1. make drawings that depict people ( meowing ) hang drawings in a show, where in front of the drawings real live people are also ( meowing ) Pay more attention the way people ( meow )

2. earn a large sum of ( kittens ) Wrap the ( kittens ) up and put them in a bag. Invite your favorite people to a party and pass around the bag. Everyone takes a ( kitten ) Everyone leaves the party and goes to the ( animal shelter ) And then everyone quits their jobs. And they spend the rest of their days creating or considering the things they could create.

3. NOT IN CUTE CODE- take a picture of your cat sleeping. have someone take a picture of you sleeping in the same style as your cat. SEND me the photographs and i will make a book.

it starts with a person zip lining into a projection of nature
the person smacks into the wall, slides down and sits facing the viewers
there is a horse or a projection of a horse
and he is a companion
and they know the secret word is lonely
and they know how to provide comfort and love to every person
but they don't speak very well
so they hope people learn through examples
of being okay
and then the horse leaves
and then there is pacing confusion
and the person has heard about selfish behavior
and doesn't want anything to do with it
which is hard
to remember to feed the other animals
and ask them how they are doing
because now that your horse is gone
you kind of want to die
but not die, really
because that would cause your other animals similar feelings of despair
and that would be the second to last thing you would want for anyone
the first being, to lose your horse


and the whole time
you are oblivious
and you forget to look for your horse
and you forget that you know your horse
better than any other horse
so if you wanted, you could probably find him
or you could imagine where your horse would want to be
which is what your horse would have wanted you to think
because it is imaginative
and because where he went will not be revealed quickly
because your horse
went to the post office
went into the industrial sized paper shredder
put his respective shreds into a couple thousand envelopes
and sent himself to your house
and sometimes when you open your mail
it will say "hey baby"
and sometimes it will say " capillary "
and other times it will say " in the"
and you start collecting the words
and organizing the words into sentences
and the sentences form a novel
and the novel is called
Now We Have Something Better

not a starfish ballet, not a good cup of coffee, not a sturdy table, not a bad morning

could someone interview Beyonce, using Elliott Smith song titles?

could someone give me a kitten with the middle name Elliott?

can i give instructions?

on how to wave your finger like a diva

on how to pick up things and move them to a safer location

on how to make eye contact with stray animals

lets drink forties on the lake

the other day we made juice

1 beet

2 grapefruits

2 carrots

1 hunk of ginger

1/2 lemon

today i wrote or finalized a kind of already written performance

and then i went over it in my head a thousand times

i think i will try to find somewhere to perform it,  a premiere of sorts.

i might need a horse

or a video of a horse would work, actually.

i felt like i haven't done enough lately

i am trying to put things together

Update

I just received the first Earning For Yearning submission! oh yay. The flyer will be posted tomorrow. I think I will put up a pdf so that it can be printed out and strung to streetlights, trees, squirrels and doors.

i go steady while

birds opt for buildings
over trees in storms
spackle skin with skin
or hold hands
rest sad live things on bellies
from one mouth to a piece of paper
taped to another mouth
a drawing in the perspective Perspective Fucked
respectively, mouthpieces
i should go door to door turning
rooms into waiting rooms

earning for yearning round 2

This didn't work, meaning there were zero submissions. I think i pushed the deadline back another month. I am going to resend flyers w/o spelling errors to at least five states. I am going to try to not keep the money, because keeping the money would feel like i failed. if you live in a state and you would like to hang up some aesthetically pleasing, grammatically correct, loving sheets of paper then let me know. i will send you some w/ string and a surprise for your volunteer work.

UPDATE
do you miss your childhood dog/cat
do you miss your grandparents in Florida
do you miss your sister in Chicago
do you miss your lover in Louisiana
do you miss your orthodontist in Arizona
do you miss your mountain in Utah
do you miss your best friend in Maine
email EarningForYearning@gmail.com
tell them all about it they will buy you a plane ticket for the reunion


more about how "it" works

1. five drawings were in a show
2. drawings sold, producing money
3. the money is bundled up and fed to a homing pigeon
4. the homing pigeon is locked up until further notice
5. someone sees a flyer or a blog asking if they miss someone
6. someone misses someone
7. they write an email to earningforyearning@gmail.com, articulating the yearning
8. the readers or 'jury' feel 'touched' or 'moved' by your situation
9. i get your email or phone number
10. i call you and we look at airfare online/ or you give me your preferred travel dates and destination
11. i send you the little homing pigeon stuffed with cash
12. the homing pigeon thing is the only lie
13. it is just a check, for U.S dollars
14. You get the airfare, you get on a plane, you see the person you told me you missed, you are happy for a little while
15. you feel inpsired to do something to make someone else happy for a little while
16. everyone in the world is a little more happy and then everyone's life expectancy goes up 40 % and more oxegyn is produced, saving the planet.

the only thing E 4 Y asks of the winning submission is that you take a picture of the reunion so that there can be further documentation

young ass adults

if i didn't write somethings down i would probably talk to myself a lot more
if i feel like a piece a shit for sleeping too much i will organize my closet or my suitcases
if i feel anxious about my belongings being scattered from the coast to the midwest i will carefully plan my diets of fruits, vegetables, legumes and kombucha
if i don't have any immediate friends to hang out with i will initiate games with the cat and dog
if i am trying to get in the mood to draw i will organize my pens
does my cat LOL when he watches me sleep
what would justin timberlake do? wwjtd
what would julia roberts do? wwjrd
what would the guy from the verizon wireless commercials do? wwtgftvwcd
what would animals facing extinction do? wwafed
what would river cuomo do? wwrcd
what would gertrude stein do? wwgst
what would wikipedia do? wwwd
what would beyonce do? wwbd

1. where is my agenda?

2. i need a ride to the produce store

3. starting monday, we are going to eat only raw foods

4. i am going to juice the shit out of some beets

5. now i have an agenda

6. no more beer

7. more drawing

8. what is free time

9. what is vacation

10. i guess it is time to get behind the wheel again

squirrel vs. kari

the cat is happier than i am for the first time in a long time

waiting room # 33, shit i just pulled out like three eyelashes.

Magazine headlines 

I AM READY TO SPILL MY GUTS

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Everything was unexpected

Take your kids to the park

DINE IN OR DINE OUT?

The Handbooks Handbook

REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS DAILY- GET MORE BANG FOR YOUR BUCK!

THOSE SPOTS AREN'T FRECKLES!

I LOST 40 Pounds!

HOW SHE LOST 40 POUNDS!

Who lost fourty pounds this summer?

SUMMER BODIES ROLL UP ON THE SHORE?!

EEEK!

What the critics are saying

less words more pictures

ADD TO CART

NOW COVERING
BRICKS
PAPER
DIGITS
KIN
MISHAPS
HOBBIES
AND
MORE
FOR
THE
LOW
PRICE
OF
ONE
DOLLAR
OFF

IDEAS, SHORTY YOU'S A HOTTIE

(IDEAS) will elaborate later. too tired to open the flood gates.

EXCITED that someone responded to collaborate. I have another idea about that. SEE ABOVE


ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?vALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?ALSO CAN SOMEONE MAKE A ME A MIXTAPE OF SONGS THAT HAVE THE WORD "SHAWTY" IN THEM?
YOU will be compensated with LUV.

subconscious text messages

Does anyone want to watch all 22 or 23 of the James Bond films with me?
Does anyone remember that song by James?
Does anyone want to hang out in Chicago, in sweaters?
Does anyone want to have a picnic at the beach?

ring ring, i just called to say that i want to make something with someone else

i have an idea of how i want to collaborate

rough structure
1. YOU send me a writing ( poem, short story, lump of words, a word)
2. I make a drawing (inspired by, in response to, other representation of said writing)
3. I send you a drawing
4. YOU send me a writing (inspired by, in response to, other representation of said drawing)
5. THIS continues for approx. a small books length
6. I or WE turn IT into a small book

It's just that I have all this disguised free time and a new set (36 colors) of watercolors (impulse buy) that I'm like gaga over
Shit, I even went in on a few 005 micron pens

currently watching Roadhouse- this will have nothing to do with the Collaboration, seriously.
currently I want someone to teach me how to write or something.
currently I want the internet to do something other that tweet, select sex or googlelize.

Maybe I always post things asking other people to do things BUT wouldn't it be sweet if it worked. wouldn't it be finger tapping to the bee gees, wouldn't it be a cat nuzzle all up in your sleepy face, wouldn't it be fresh fruit, wouldn't it be basking in the summer sun, wouldn't it be Patrick Swayze dancing again?

p.s i accidently titled this " i want to make someone with someone else, which might be my personal ad in the newspaper when i am forty and alone, probably not though.

is this real?

could i do this?

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/tfr/1203833130.html

a blog is not a magic eight ball

a magic eight ball is maybe lowest on the totem poll of pyschic ability
or if i wanted to ask myself a question i know better than asking it here, i should just go to the bathroom mirror or ask my cat.

Our relationship is a scientist watching a polar bear struggling to stay alive in the midst of global warming somewhere off the coast of Alaska.

when i am the scientist i jump into the water and put floaties on the polar bear's arms
and then the polar bear rips my limbs off
and then the polar bear pops the floaties
and then the polar bear drowns
when you are the scientist you hire a team of specialists
and then the specialists discuss the options
and then the specialists cannot agree on a plan of action
and then the polar bear drowns

rad mals'

1

push me down the sludge hill i've been down
really now i land in mush and call it gold
hit me over the head with a low limpy voice in the quad
this isn't like that time you moved the chair into the grass and told me to get out of your house
this is the place where people try not to die so bear with me if i am submissive i want to
move quietly inside

how i try


I just got off the phone with a lab technician. I thought it would be difficult to find someone willing to back me up on this. This is a new procedure, who wants to be a part of history? At first I was unsure about the lab technician because I had been hoping for one in the medical field. My lab technician specializes in short term flowers. Apparently they bloom and die in the same day. The lab technician has extraordinary dedication to innovation. After I had the technician on board I needed to find a willing subject/donor. Naturally I put an ad on craigslist, Who wants me to make them happy everyday to the best of my ability? There were no responses so I posted a new ad that would attract the type of person I was looking for. Who wants to go to a park and pet kittens with me this Saturday? Unfortunately, this attracted the wrong age group. So I went to the bar and made friends with Frank. Because Frank was drinking Hamms I figured he had some free time. Frank told me about his job. He sweeps recreational centers at night. I asked him if he liked it and he said it is depressing and mumbled something about institutionalizing fun. He rubs his can of beer and wipes the condensation on his eyebrows. He has nice eyebrows, a nice face in general. I ask Frank for his phone number. We will meet for lunch tomorrow. It's tomorrow and I tell him the plan and he says yes. He seems skeptical of my ability to make him happy everyday. I tell him not to worry because often times happy's standards are just a social mirage. He said okay and I said okay lets start. I took him by the hand and we went to a park and climbed a tree and chirped at the people reading in the grass. We chirped melodically because we felt the local birds chirp moral was down, if they could see how the people appreciated the sound they would be more likely to chirp again. I don't know if it worked because Frank felt uncomfortable so we left. At first it was easy to make Frank happy, we started out walking in the style of various animals or throwing jello at the living room walls. It became our routine to collect after dinner. If he was feeling self -conscious I would have him run in place for forty minutes. I held the brown bag to his lips while it filled with his breath. I used the computer at the library to create labels for organizational purposes. They read ENDORPHINS 1, ENDORPHINS 2, ENDORPHINS 3, ENDORPHINS 4, ENDORPHINS 5 etc.
Frank brought me a bookshelf to store the bags on. I could tell he became more excited about the project because he was producing quadruple the amount of endorphins. He started showing up at my apartment in the middle of the night asking me to collect. Eventually he moved into my living room or our "laboratory." On Sunday the lab technician came over and then we went on a walk to find the saddest person available, or in lab lingo the "S.P.A" The S.P.A crinkled her dress in her hands and then we told her to inhale the contents of brown bag #1. She inhaled bags 2-10 and then she smiled. We asked her if she wanted anything and she said she wanted to die.

w.r #15

my dad just discovered You Tube. he is drinking scotch from a plastic cup and listening to rock ballads, i think he is getting depressed.


i'm really into green chiles right now.
can you grill a mango?
what constitutes a "real" job?
i bet myself ten bucks that i can make-up a real job to really work at
and then at the end of the month i will reveal the scam.
the job was fake
am i eating ice?
i thought i saw a pigeon walking upside down on the underside of the roof, turns out it has a hunchback.
turns out there are three of them.
turns out i'm back in humboldt park and this time i am ready
like, i am getting cornrows- to wear with my white jeans
changed my name to Baby
will you see me walking through the park with my cat on a gold leash?
we have matching grills, they say Subjectivity
does anyone want to donate scrap paper
boggle
globe
blog
blo
go
e

OMG! i just found out that tom cruise ate katie holmes' placenta. wierd.

waiting room 13

the waiting room

Lily Tomlin enters the waiting room and sits to next Eva Longoria. Eva Longoria looks up at Lily Tomlin and then she looks down at her US Weekly. Lily Tomlin asks Eva Longoria if she is in fact Eva Longoria and Eva Longoria says yes. Lily seems interested in talking and Eva is interested Lily's dye job, which is perfect because if she talks to her it won't be too obvious that she is staring at her scalp. Lily asks Eva if she is happy and Eva says she wouldn't say that because she can't say anything because she feels mentally displaced and doesn't really trust words right now. Lily nods and asks Eva if she wants ice cream. Eva does not want ice cream. Lily asks her if she ever plays online scrabble. Eva does play online scrabble when her husband is out of town because she says it stimulates her in a way that doesn't rely on emotions. Lily looks down at her hands and wonders if Eva Longoria suggested that all people who play online scrabble are emotionally retarded and then she decides that Eva wouldn't pass judgement. Lily gets out a piece of paper and writes something on it and then Lily touches Eva's hand. She wants to talk more but she feels depressed because she doesn't have the heart to tell Eva that she is not here waiting, she just heard that Eva might be here and wanted to see her in person because she feels more akin to her than any other actress in Hollywood. She gives the paper to Eva and waits for the bus. Eva opens the paper and it says AIM-VOWELMOVEMENT
Eva laughs and feels comforted in a way she thought impossible, considering.

waiting room day 12

i am always in the waiting room
sometimes i nap
sometimes i quit the internet and then rejoin
when i leave the waiting room i will quit for good and no i won't and oh yes you will you will you will you will you will*
i sit in the chair and then i curl up in the chair and then i put two chairs together and then i sleep on them
i think about my career because everyone wants to know what i do
today i said something about starting after school art programs and then i said something about starting a food cart and then i hurried up and said art cart.
i still really want to send mail.
i used to think i would be a little famous and the only good thing about that would be that i imagine my mail would be at higher demand and that would me feel good and also i think there is a higher demand to have sex with famous people.
not people in waiting rooms.
i put my glasses in my mouth to fix my hair and they tasted like shampoo.
i forgot about that sensation.
it is one of my favorite things to compare the taste of something to the smell of a place.
tomorrow i will leave the waiting room and walk to the health center. in the health center i will train for the olympics.
the t.v just said "cancer doesn't have humor"
i wouldn't know but i'm sure mine would have a little one.
should i split this up into individual sentences?
am i capable of making decisions?
how did i grow up into a person?
am i twenty three or twenty four or twelve?
everyone asks me if i am twelve.
i say no.
my family says twenty-four, i sometimes mutter twenty-three.
i don't care because i'm not really into that kind of thing.
just like i'm not into 85% of the starfish on the internet right now.

* probably a bright eyes reference

things i found today or good things considering...

1. Miss Lonelyhearts and The Day of The Locust (on Maplewood)
2. a twenty dollar bill (on North ave.)

i just got off the phone with a producer
or someone
and i just created a television series
tittled "who doesn't want to be a millionaire"
the first person to respond
wins one million dollars
and a hug
the sad part is that
there can only be one episode
before the sentiment is exploited
with greed i imagine

'Okay' is the size of Russia, I know this because I just Tivo'd the last year of my life.



a good catholic can tell you when you're ovulating
and a consensus of moms weaned the original wolf
or the enemy from cutlery

for the umpteenth time, a dish is not a plate and
i'm all about light right now
we warble on anti- depressants
sexting the tri-state area

save for fields,
call me the original mammal with "abandonment issues"
seems to me this instability spawned from a bottle thrown against a honeymoon portrait.

i knew it'd be years until i saw a river,
let alone have sex that fed on feelings
no one said elephants that grow hands lose trunks,
now i don't try too hard
so, when i show signs of defeat
press your hands to my cheeks and call me unattractive

as the bearer of good news i rarely get depressed
a few times i applied retroactively though
i kept stepping into rooms and announcing my presence with a non- descript yodel

as a baby i declared war on the dogs
like the survival of the cutest is my cover up for
divvying blame among other mammals in training
basically set ground rules that didn't apply above my eyes, like a true rake.
those were my egotistical years, now i just take it with me
sometimes nefariously, tying it to my tail.

even now i prefer to tread something lighter
writing or something
sometimes, waiting for a mate
or at least the opportunity to breed an invasive species

post #274

across the street a baby was yelling
EBAY
EBAY
EBAY
EBAY
EBAY
EBAY
EBAY
EBAY
EBAY
i think he was drunk.

it feels like i remember thinking it is stupid to think of a condom as a balloon.

i went to work and they made me wear a fat suit while they all sat around and ate pizza.
i went to work and they told me my cat died to see if i was emotionally stable.
i went to work and they ripped the pocket off my shirt and stuffed it in my bra and said, "it'll have to do"
i went to work and they took my clothes off and covered me in honey, i thought "do i get to meet a bear?"
i went to work and then i left work because i have a new job selling dandelions to small woodland creatures to give to their small woodland creature significant other.

i wanted to title this something better than romantic is retarded backwards


we went to the store
i bought you a dress
i told the cashier we are working on our marriage
i should have said relationship
we are walking out of the store
i am holding the bag
i should have said relationship

we go home and i tell you my home is my lap
do you want to come over
this is not funny to you because
i am working on a marriage
and you are working on a sandwich
when you went to the bathroom
i went to the kitchen
and licked the counter
and then licked the sandwich

when we are in the hospital
we are dying, together
i feel okay and you feel confused
that we could die of the same thing
at the same time
because we were working on our marriage

the rainbow, according to the daughter of a maid

tide
gojo
pledge
simple green
windex
febreeze

VIRTUALLY NO SCAMS

washed my hair today, feels too soft to be mine.
i imagine the guy before me was googling his friends to see when they would be released from prison.
i am going to make offers today (below)

i am going to start a new project it's called PROJECT T.S
it's about self-promotion. here are the rules

1. ask someone ( your neighbor, your cat, your mom, your significant other, the president, micheal jordan, dave eggers, your houseplant, etc. ) to write a 'book blurb' style review of YOU as a PERSON.
2. get it tatooed on your lower back.
( i cannot fund this project, but i can hold your hand)

if anyone wants to do this
1. fuck yeah
2. lets get married
3. i would probably find a way to fund it
4. this is probably stupid, but it's raining again

will someone write me a 'blurb'
i would consider

OKAY
NOW
FOR
THE
BIG
DEAL

will someone assist me in setting up my PAYPAL account?

_________________________for this____________________________________

$ 5- one small drawing, one poem, one surprise
$ 10- two small drawings, one poem, one temp. tatoo
$ 25- six month subscription*
$ 50- six month LOADED subscription*
$ 100- one year LET"S BE TOGETHER FOREVER HONEYMOON SUBSCRIPTION*
$ 200- PHATTY subscription*
$ 300-A MILLI- LOVE TIME SUB. TOP ROLL BACK BAWLIN' STATUS*

* A subscription will consist of drawings and poems, often bound into a book.
look for embroidered covers and personalized love letters. IN FULL COLOR

* Subscription LOADED consists of larger drawings and the same sized poems. Includes surprise mail packages. will feel like you are loved.

*L.B.T.H. subscription includes a drawing every month of the year. Includes handmade books, knit goods for winter, sincere and thorough CARE. * RECOMMENDED

* PHATTY Subscription includes BIG ASS DRAWINGS OF PATRICK SWAYZE. About 20 drawings a year. will draw whatever you want, ON DEMAND> EXTRA SLUTTY

* IF you want to be a bawler, go ahead. I will probably send you mail once a week for the next year. I will get a grill with your name on it.


WHAT WILL I DO WITH THE $

only good things
purchase contacts/glasses
purchase food
buy cat toys
fund projects
buy hella STAMPS
buy a post office
buy booze to encourage flirtatious behavior with mailman with the hopes of a date or FREE POSTAGE

things I WILL NOT DO WITH THE MONEY
pay bills
pay student loans

On The Radio

http://www.publicbroadcasting.net/kcur/arts.artsmain?action=viewArticle&sid=16&id=1500626&pid=77

i'm happy can i play tambourine in your band now

in a dream someone wrote this review of my life: "Kari's ocean is vast, but has seemingly no aquatic animals."
maybe i can use it as a review on a book or the back of drawing.

woke up to a phone call this morning asking me if fox news kansas city can interview me. i called and said yes and then i picked up Squirrel and we danced in my bedroom. i think i promised him 'the good life' which might be a better quality food and more space to run around in.

UPDATE

do you miss your childhood dog/cat
do you miss your grandparents in Florida
do you miss your sister in Chicago
do you miss your lover in Louisiana
do you miss your orthodontist in Arizona
do you miss your mountain in Utah
do you miss your best friend in Maine

email EarningForYearning@gmail.com
tell them all about it
they will buy you a plane ticket for the reunion

(TWO WEEKS LEFT)